I realised recently that I had not written for a while. This was not a conscious decision to stop, more of it being ‘something I must get around to’. Maybe I didn’t feel the need to write to help me grieve which is why I started in the first place.
A lot has happened since my last post, pretty much all of it positive, which is maybe why I stepped away from the keyboard. I have finally started my degree in Psychology with Counselling. It’s a part time course so I have 6 years of juggling that amongst everything else. I have no idea where it will lead me but its parts of my personal journey of discovery. I have struggled with periods of depression, anxiety and low self esteem. Currently I most have those feelings under control, but it took some work. I want to understand them further. I also witnessed my dad suffer periods of psychosis while in hospital which was heartbreaking to witness. I was so very glad that I had undertaken a Mental Health First Aider course only a few months before which helped me talk to dad in a way that calmed him down enough for me to feel he was safe, and hopefully so that he felt safe. If this degree can help me to help more people, and myself, in some small way then it will be well worth the time spent.
In January I completed a marathon in the first 7 days. It was during this time that I last added to my blog. After I completed this I was talking to a friend about finding a challenge to keep me motivated to run in February. I mentioned that there was an event to raise money for Cancer Research UK, 56 miles in 28 days, but the minimum suggest donation level was £150. I told him I was concerned about hitting that amount, it felt strange that hitting the miles did not concern me. He convinced me to do it by reeling off a list of our neighbours who would probably donate, so I thought ‘what the hell’ and entered. The donations started to roll in, and kept rolling it. I hit £150 in 48 hours. The challenge had not even started. I kept sharing my challenge on Facebook along with dads story. The donations kept coming in. I was in the process of signing up to a March running challenge through work where I mention I had at that point raised over £900. Within two days they match funded with a further donation of £300. As I write this I have run 52.3 miles and have raised just over £1500, ten times the amount I did not think I could hit. I have been overwhelmed by peoples generosity. It’s been an emotion challenge, posting dads story and photos of him, but knowing I am raising money for such an amazing charity in memory of such a wonderful man, has given me a massive boost.
Last week I won a motor cycle course that I entered after a friend sent me the link. I completed the form and then forgot about it as I had no expectation of winning, to the extend I nearly didn’t bother. So I was pleasantly surprised when the email arrived last week informing me I was a winner.
I also made the decision to get some improvements done to my kitchen and bathroom. The house is only 18 months old so its been easy to not make decisions about decor as I have little confidence in doing this. If I don’t make a decision I can’t make a bad one. This is an old nemesis but maybe that is for another time. But now, having booked the work, I am excited to see the results. I’ve made small changes so far and to be fair, they have turned out OK. This will be by far the biggest change so it feels like a leap of faith.
So why have I shared all this? It’s certainly not to brag about lots of positive shit in my life, that’s not my style. Something feels like it has changed recently. It could be luck. But that means it’s all by chance, and that doesn’t reflect the truth. I have, cliche alert, stepped out of my comfort zone and into the place where the magic happens. These little leaps of faith, faith in me and my ability to make sound judgement and choices, and to ‘just do it’ have made things happen.
I feel like I have taken a little more control of my life by trying to influence what happens, to not sit and wait for it to happen, because it rarely does. Nobody was going to hand me £1500 to donate to a charity or call round to redecorate my kitchen and bathroom.
Small changes…increasingly significant results….maybe I am on to something here. And if I am wrong, what’s the worse that can happen!
Total Wellbeing 